I am bewildered, befuddled, baffled and bemused. Yes, after
a protracted period away I have returned to Singapore and I am once again
immersed into the madness of the island.
In the last couple of days the Christmas season has
descended suddenly and bizarrely upon the island in a cacophony of colour and confusion.
I am unsurprised.
Despite the tinsel and baubles that now adorn every surface
there is however a feeling of familiarity and comfort in my return to
Singapore. I felt this as I rode my bicycle to Starbucks in Novena for my
ritualistic Sunday breakfast of toast and vegemite washed down with a
double-shot vanilla latte. When I rode back to my apartment one of the two Rajs
who are the Security guards of my complex greeted me. He snapped to a splendid
salute as I approached and he was beaming.
“At ease Raj” I
commanded.
“Gidday and be goodness
of morning Mr. Peter cobbler sir” he chirped.
“We are being missing
you and Yo ho ho,” he added.
“That is cobber not
cobbler Raj” I smiled.
“And I have missed
you guys too”
At that point another resident – a Singaporean - walked into
the complex and he nodded a curt hello to both Raj and I.
“Yo ho ho” Raj beamed at him.
The Resident looked alarmed.
“What is this Yo ho hoing
that you are doing Raj?”
“It is being the
Christmas spirits that Mr. Tan has being told us to say to everyone who is
coming and going Mr. Peter”
“Jaysus” I
replied
“Yo ho ho is what
pirates say Raj”
For reasons that are completely inexplicable to me this
triggered an instant salute from Raj.
“At ease Raj”
Mrs. Chu from apartment 430 then walked past the guardhouse
on her way out and I jumped a little as Raj once again boomed a ‘Yo ho ho’.
Mrs. Chu cast both Raj and I a look of contempt and she snarled something in
Hokkien that I can only assume was derogatory.
“Where is the other Raj,
Raj?” I enquired.
“He is being putting
up the decorations for the Christmases with Mr. Tan Mr. Peter sir”
“Christmas
decorations? It is only November”
Raj returned a gentle wobble of his head in affirmation.
“I am going to go and
have a swim Raj and then sit by the pool. Please tell Mr. Tan to come and see
me when he has a moment”
This request prompted another salute from Raj – as I knew it
would – and I could do nothing but command him once again to stand at ease.
As I wheeled my bicycle up the driveway I noticed that a
large Christmas moose had been erected in the foyer of my condominium complex.
I have encountered the Christmas moose before on the Island. I am unsure
whether this creature is actually a moose and I suspect that it might be a warped
Singaporean take on a reindeer. Irrespective it is a frightening beast that greatly
disturbs me. The creature is more than two metres tall. It stands erect and is
unsmiling.
It is an abomination.
I caught the lift up to my apartment and changed into my
swimming attire then retreated to my swimming pool. As I was laying out my
towel the klaxon air raid siren on my mobile phone went off – alerting me that
my mother was calling.
A klaxon is not a wart-faced enemy of the Star Ship Enterprise. That is a Klingon. A klaxon is a loud electric horn that is most
commonly used as a warning of something ominous. It is named thus after it’s
American manufacturer.
I lit a cigarette and cracked open a can of coke before
answering the phone.
“Hello Mum”
“Is that you Peter?”
“Yes Mum. Who else
would it be?”
“It could be your
brother Richard. You both sound alike”
“But you rang me Mum”
“Don’t take that tone
with me young man”
“I am not that young
anymore Mum and there is no tone”
“Your father is
worried that you might still be smoking and are not eating properly Peter. He
hopes that you are not drinking coca cola anymore too”
My dad has no such concerns. My mother tends to use my Dad
to express her own concerns to me.
I don’t know why.
“Tell Dad I am not
smoking anymore nor am I drinking coke Mum,” I replied as I took a
deep drag of my cigarette then a cheeky swig of my coke.
“Are you sure Peter?”
“Positive Mum”
I know that it is sinful to lie to your mother but mine is
as mad as a cut snake and I have found that it is best to portray myself in a
manner that she would like - lest she drives me insane.
“I hope that you are
changing your underpants every day Peter”
“For fuck sake Mum”
“Language Peter!
Fresh underpants are important. Particularly in the tropics”
“I have found that if
I turn them inside out I can actually get two days wear out of them Mum”
“That’s not funny
Richard”
“I am Peter Mum”
“Your father wants to
know whether you are eating enough vegetables and fruit too”
“Everyday Mum” I
lied.
“Why don’t you put
Dad on the line so he can ask me all these questions himself?” I
challenged.
This request was conveniently ignored.
“He wants to know if
you are coming home for Christmas too”
“Of course I am Mum.
When have I not?”
My mother then began to reel off all the occasions I had not
returned home for Christmas. Whilst she was doing this Mr. Tan and the other
Raj appeared on the pool deck and they walked towards me. Mr. Tan looked
anxious – as he normally does – and Raj looked somewhat ridiculous in an
oversized Santa hat that was pulled down over his turban.
When they arrived at my spot by the pool the Raj stood at
attention saluting me whilst Mr. Tan hopped about a bit wringing his hands.
I interrupted my Mother’s diatribe and said, “I have got to go Mum. Mr. Tan and Raj are
here and they are waiting to talk to me”
“That isn’t that
ghastly Swedish man is it Peter?”
“No that is Jens Mum
and he is Danish not Swedish”
“Your father doesn’t
want you associating with axe murderers and criminals Peter. We raised you
better than that”
“Jens is not a
criminal Mum he is just a crazy fucker - and I don’t know any axe murderers
either. I think you are referring to the Russian Vlad who used to occasionally
stab people in the eye with an icepick. But that was a KGB thing done on purely
political grounds”
“I don’t know why you
feel you must associate with such dreadful people nor why you persist in
swearing so much Peter – it upsets your father”
“Shit - sorry Mum.
But those people aren’t at all dreadful and each of us have our foibles. Please
tell Dad that there is no need for concern. I really have to go now too otherwise
Raj won’t stop saluting at me”
“Alright Richard
goodbye then. Please put on clean underpants every day and let us know when you
are coming home”
“Yes Mum”
Then I hung up.
A foible is not a disgusting piece of muck that is coughed
up by a cat - that is a fur-ball. A foible is a flaw in one’s character or
personality. We all have them.
I have quite a few.
“At ease Raj and good
morning. Good morning to you to Mr. Tan”
“Good morning Mr.
Peter” Mr. Tan responded in a dulcet and impassive tone.
“Yo ho ho and the
merriment of Christmases to you” Raj beamed at me.
“Please take a seat in
the shade guys and explain this yo ho hoing that is going on”
Mr. Tan pulled up a chair next to mine whilst Raj remained
standing. To my great relief he was no longer saluting but I was alert to the
fact that one could be triggered at any given moment.
“It is the Christmas
spirit Mr. Peter” Mr. Tan said.
“We have decided that
we will bring Christmas joy to the condominium this year”
“Joy Mr. Tan?”
“Yes joy Mr. Peter”
“Are you aware Mr.
Tan that ‘Yo ho ho’ is what pirates say?”
“Pirates Mr. Peter?”
“Yes pirates Mr. Tan.
Santa Claus says ‘ho ho ho’ not ‘yo ho ho’”
The phrase ‘Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum’ was coined by the
writer Robert Louis Stevenson and was penned in his work ‘Treasure Island’. It
is a sea shanty that was sung my marauding pirates. The full chorus is:
‘Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.
Drink and the devil had done for the rest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum’
The ‘Dead Mans Chest’ referred to in the shanty is not a
trunk or box as many would think. It is in fact a small atoll that is a part of
the British Virgin Islands in the Pacific Ocean. Legend has it that a Pirate
named Edward Teach – who was better known as Blackbeard – once punished a
mutinous crew of fourty men by banishing them to the atoll for thirty days.
Dead Mans Chest was a barren rock that was only 250 yards square in size and
was devoid of any water or vegetation. Blackbeard marooned the men with only
the clothes on their back, their swords and a bottle of rum each and he fully
expected them to either kill each other or die of starvation. When he returned
though after 30 days he found that fifteen men had survived. They were all ‘yo
ho hoing’.
I explained all of this to Mr. Tan and Raj and whilst Raj
looked his normal jovial self Mr. Tan looked even more anxious than normal.
“So no ‘yo’ Mr.
Peter”
“No ‘yo’ Mr. Tan”
“You will desist with
the ‘yo’ immediately” he barked at Raj - which of course
triggered an immediate salute.
“At ease Raj” I
sighed.
Raj immediately unclipped the two-way radio from his belt
and he spoke into it in rapid Hindi. I assume that he was speaking to the other
Raj at the guardhouse for whilst I could not understand most of what he was
saying I picked up a number of ‘yo’s’ and ‘ho’s’ in his conversation.
Some words are not translatable.
Whilst Raj was conversing with the other Raj I once again
addressed the Building Manager of my complex.
“I have grave
concerns about the Christmas creature that has been erected in the foyer of the
condominium Mr. Tan”
“The creature Mr.
Peter?”
“The creature Mr.
Tan. It is a disturbing and terrifying animal that I believe will frighten all
of the children who reside here”
“I see”
he replied.
“Exactly what sort of
animal is it Mr. Tan? It somewhat resembles a moose but I cannot for the life
of me understand the association of a moose with Christmas. Is this a
Singaporean thing?”
“I believe that it is
a reindeer Mr. Peter” Mr. Tan replied
“I am being thinking
that it is a cow Mr. Peter” Raj chipped in.
Mr. Tan again gave the Sikh security guard a withering
glance - which of course triggered another snap to attention and salute.
“At ease Raj. That is
definitely not a reindeer Mr. Tan”
“For the sake of the
children who live here Mr. Tan I would suggest that we remove the beast
immediately. Can?”
Mr. Tan looked despondent.
“Cannot Mr. Peter”
“Cannot Mr. Tan?”
“It is beyond my authority”
“I must insist then
that we convene an emergency session of the Owners and Tenants Committee to
discuss this matter”
Mr. Tan’s faced brightened a little at this. All
Singaporeans love a Committee meeting.
“I shall make the
necessary arrangements for an Emergency Session of the Committee immediately
then Mr. Peter” the Building Manager announced as he
rose to his feet.
“Excellent Mr. Tan.
Thank you” I replied.
I then waved goodbye to them and dived into the cool clear
waters of the pool.
An Emergency session of the Owners and Tenants Committee -
where the sole subject will be a discussion on the identity and merits of the
removal of the Christmas moose - will indeed be excellent.
I can’t wait.
No comments :
Post a Comment