The bizarreness of Singapore
has struck again. It has floored me in fact. I shouldn't really be surprised
because it happens on a regular basis and I really am a stranger in a strange land.
I have had many such moments.
Once more I feel compelled to
record these events - if only just to remind myself. So here I am again - at my
keyboard.
Clicking, clacking and
tapping away.
I have just returned from a sales
related saga. I went hunting for a new bed for my old one creaks and groans
when I lay on it. The mattress is a bit saggy and worn. It is a tad like me
actually.
Who am I kidding?
It is a lot like me.
I went on my hunt straight
from work. Now I knew the best option would have been to go to Ikea as there
would be an extensive range of beds and mattresses there. Earlier in the day I
had a look at some on the online Ikea catalogue.
I sneaked a peak.
I have however sworn to
myself that I would never again set foot in Ikea. It is a sacred vow and it is
a compact that I take most seriously. I have been to Ikea twice before. The
Swedes are a crafty race. They are cunning. Do not be deceived by their
blue-eyed blondness.
The Ikea shop design is such
that once you enter you are trapped inside and you are forced to follow a
meandering path that goes around and around. It is one-way traffic. One must
follow what seems like an endless path to the final checkout. It can take hours
to escape.
It is brilliant.
On my second journey there I
tried to back track - against the flow. It was like swimming against a strong
tide. It was like walking in quicksand.
It was mission impossible.
The task was compounded by
the Singaporean masses that block these paths. They spend vast amounts of time
staring at the furniture settings.
Singaporeans love Ikea. They
swarm to the stores in massive numbers and I suspect that some families may
spend whole days there.
Possibly weeks.
They willingly trap
themselves and survive on a diet of meatballs and Swedish hotdogs.
The other reason I made the
pledge to myself that I will not return to Ikea is of course the assembly.
The flat pack is an
abomination.
On my first journey to Ikea I
purchased a bookcase and I of course scoffed at the option of the assembly
service. Like most of the male species I chose to completely disregard the
assembly instructions.
They are for pussies.
Big mistake.
A massive one in fact.
Several hours after opening
the flatpack I was baked in sweat and I was in a fury. I had hurled one of the
shelves from my verandah. I was frustrated. I was confounded. I was ready to
kill.
The accursed Ikea Allen key
was pitted and scarred with my teeth marks.
So I took a calming break and
I drank some green tea. Then I marched myself downstairs and I retrieved the
hurled shelf. It had fortunately landed in a Frangipani tree and it was
relatively unscathed. I then recovered the crumpled up assembly guide from the
rubbish bin. I flicked through the 32 languages that these were written in and I
eventually found the English version that I was seeking.
Then I followed the guide
step by step.
A mere two hours later and I
was triumphantly stacking my books on my wobbly assembly. I ignored the small
pile of unused residual screws as I know that the Swedes put in extras.
It is their attempt to
further confound we consumers.
So anyway, I went to a furniture
shop in Ballestier Road. It is not very far from my house and it was on my way
home. The shop was a large one. It was expansive. It specialized in household
wares and there were quite a few beds on display. When I entered the store
there were no other customers to be seen. In fact there appeared to be no one
in the shop at all.
I went straight to the bed
section. I knew what I wanted and there was no point in browsing at lounge
suites or coffee tables as I already have such items. I am also not a browser
and I generally shop with a purpose.
I shop with intent.
Out of nowhere a salesman
appeared. He was a bespectacled local guy to whom I nodded a greeting and I
received one back. He followed me around. They do this in Singapore.
In shops.
I am used to it.
So I didn't mind.
I saw a bed that I liked the
look of. It was a wooden structure – possibly teak but perhaps walnut. It was
King sized too so it appeared to tick all of my boxes. I sat on the mattress
and then I bounced around a bit. The mattress was firm but not hard - just the
way I like it.
I then took off my shoes and lay
down then I rolled around a little. The salesman looked a little alarmed
however I didn't give a fuck. A comfortable bed is important and I like my
sleep.
The two are intrinsically
linked.
After a while of rolling I
sat up and then I bounced a few times more. I again received more looks of
alarm from the salesman to which I returned some more give-a-fucks.
"How much?" I enquired.
"$5000" he replied.
There was no
hesitation.
I cocked my eyebrow in an
exaggerated fashion.
"That seems a
lot" I retorted.
"That's for the base
and mattress?" I asked.
"Yes" was the response.
"OK" I said.
"That is a bit more
than my budget".
I put on my shoes and I stood
up.
"I will have a look
in Ikea then" I
said.
I started to leave. He had no
idea I was bluffing.
He knew not of my vow.
"How much you
pay?" he said as I
was walking away.
"We have sale. 30%
discount".
"A sale?' I enquired.
"A 30%
discount?" I added.
My brain was rapidly trying
to do the mental arithmetic.
"So that's
$3500?"
"Yes" was the response – although there was a
little less certainty now.
I could tell from the look on
his face that he was doing his own mental sums.
"So why did you tell
me $5000?" I asked.
This enquiry was done with no
small degree of suspicion - and possibly some overtones of aggression.
I received a blank stare.
This is common in Singapore in a sales situation – particularly when a
challenge is offered.
"I will give you
$2000,” I countered.
"Including delivery
and assembly" I demanded.
I received another look of
alarm.
"Cannot,” he said.
There was apprehension in his
face. I could read it. So I shrugged my shoulders and began again to walk away.
"$2500" I heard.
There was a wining plea in
his voice now so I turned around and faced him
"$2200" I responded.
“Can?”
"Can" he submitted.
It is being delivered on the
weekend.
Fully assembled.
No comments :
Post a Comment