The matter with
the Singaporean Telecommunications Company that-I-shall-not-name has finally
been put to rest.
With many things
Singaporean – it has been driving me mad.
Some would say
madder.
I don’t give a
fuck.
I received
another call today and this time it was from Solicitors. To protect the
innocent I shall name them Allan, Brown and Cock and then I will then
abbreviate this to ABC.
There should be
an emphasis on the “Cock”.
They called me on
the day that I returned from my holiday back home - whilst I was taking my
lunch.
I was eating a
chicken and mayonnaise sandwich at the time under the shade of a Banyan tree
that is near my office.
I was drinking a
freshly squeezed orange juice that was pulp free.
I was in need of
some respite after a busy morning.
I had been on
calls with architects and consulting Engineers who are based in India since
8.00am.
Continuously.
All morning.
We are doing
some very large construction projects in a city called Pune.
Architects and
Engineers think in very different ways.
One is creative
and the other is practical.
They are often
at odds and both parties in India are just plain odd.
It has been a
very difficult morning.
I discovered
this shady recluse where I am taking my lunch a while back. It is in a cozy
little nook and I think of it as my enclave.
It is far from
the madding crowd.
The matter
with the Singaporean Telecommunications Company that-I-shall-not-name has being
going on for a while now.
It has being
going on for more than 12 months.
It is a case of
mistaken identity and it has become a debacle that it is testing my resolve.
The matter first
arose through written correspondence.
I received a
letter – it was in fact a letter of demand.
The letter was
from the Singaporean Telecommunications Company that-I-shall-not-name.
They were demanding that I pay them one thousand one hundred and twenty three
dollars and thirty-seven cents.
The Singaporean
Telecommunications Company that-I-shall-not-name claims that the money is owed
for an outstanding mobile telephone bill.
This Company
that-I-shall-not-name is one of only two such companies operating here in
Singapore.
It is a duopoly.
My Internet and
Cable television services are provided through the Singaporean
Telecommunications Company that-I-shall-not-name however I have never had a
telephone account with them.
Ever.
Neither mobile
nor landline.
When I received
this initial letter of demand from the Singaporean Telecommunications
Company that-I-shall-not-name I rang them immediately.
I spoke to a
Customer Services Officer and I politely expressed my surprise at the letter of
demand.
I explained that
I had never had a telephone account with them.
The Customer
Service Officer appeared sympathetic. He asked for my EP number and I gave it
to him.
An EP is an
Employment Pass. It is required for all foreign workers and by law I am
required to carry this card at all times. My name and photograph is recorded on
one side of this card and my thumbprint is embedded on the reverse. I am issued
with a unique number that has a prefix of the letter "G" which is
then followed by a nine-digit number.
I have no idea
what the "G" stands for.
None at all.
My EP is
required for everything in Singapore. It must be provided to open a bank
account and it is necessary to sign a lease and to purchase a car and to
connect utilities. I am required to present this card whenever I leave or enter
the Country together with my passport.
The Singaporean
Government has my number.
They created it
in fact.
When the
Customer Services Officer input my EP into the system he verified that I did
indeed have an account for Internet Services and for cable television
subscription.
He confirmed too
that I was not in arrears.
I told him that
I already knew this and that I always pay my accounts on time.
I told him that
I am a stickler for such details.
When I enquired
then what this letter of demand was about he put me on hold. He informed me
that he had to make some off line enquiries.
I waited
patiently for ten minutes or so.
I was listening
to appalling musak.
When the
Customer Services Officer returned to the call he advised that there appeared
to have been a mix up. He told me that someone named Charles Peters in fact
owed the debt.
My first name is
Peter.
My middle name
is Charles.
The Singaporean
Telecommunications Company that-I-shall-not-name seemed to have disregarded my
surname in this matter.
I can only
assume that there was a glitch in the system.
These things
happen.
The Customer
Services Officer assured me the matter would be remedied and I assumed that the
matter was done.
I expected it
was dusted.
How wrong I was.
I received
another letter about a month later from the Singaporean Telecommunications
Company that-I-shall-not-name.
Then a barrage
of telephone calls.
They were still
demanding the money.
One thousand one
hundred and twenty three dollars and thirty-seven cents.
I rang and
explained the situation to them again and I also wrote them a letter.
This was all to
no avail.
The calls
stopped for a little while then they were taken up again.
This time by a
debt collection company.
I then explained
the situation to them and I also wrote them a letter.
Again to no
avail.
Then the other
day – upon return from my Christmas break - I received the call from Allan,
Brown and Cock.
ABC.
The lawyers.
Whilst I was
taking my lunch.
I was informed
that the matter has now gone legal.
The lady I spoke
to advised that they are intending to take me to court. She was very polite in
informing me about the situation. I simply confirmed the address where the
legal papers should be served.
Then I told her
to bring it on.
I couldn’t be
bothered trying to explain it all once again.
I know that I am
innocent and I will correct this injustice in person. I shall clear the smirch that
is upon my name.
Of Peter Charles
- or Charles Peters.
I shall clear
the smirch before the Singaporean Courts and I am actually looking forward to
having my day in court.
It will be
fun.
It will be
entertaining.
I plan on
representing myself.
And so I had my day in court
today.
Well it wasn't actually a
court - it was just a small and windowless room in a Singaporean Administration
building.
There was no judge or jury
either.
The matter was presided over
by a little bloke about the same age as me.
Old.
He was sitting at a
nondescript desk in a suit and tie.
I was hoping for guys in wigs
and stenographers recording transcripts.
I had envisioned making
impassioned pleas to citizens who had been called up for jury duty just to hear
my case.
I had prepared both my opening
and closing statements that were full of rhetoric and colorful language. So
sitting down across the table from a little bloke with spectacles and a
ballpoint pen was a bit disappointing.
To say the least.
The court that my matter was
heard in is a part of the Singaporean Subordinate Judicial process.
These courts were developed as
a tribunal system to resolve small claims or disputes.
They are not courts though.
They are just small windowless
offices.
The word 'tribunal' has it's
origins in the thirteenth century and was derived from the Latin word Tribunus.
A Tribunus in ancient Rome was literally the 'leader of the tribe'.
These leaders were empowered under Roman law to settle disputes between
different parties.
Their word was final.
The Tribunus in my legal
matter with was a Singaporean chap named Arthur. My combatants were a legal
firm I shall refer to as ABC.
Their representative in my
matter was a young Singaporean lady named Suzy.
She seemed very nervous when I
met her in Arthur's office and she also appeared to be quite vague about the
nuances of my case. Her handshake was insipid when I introduced myself and she
was nursing a very thin manila folder with only a few pieces of paper inside.
These scant few documents
seemed to be the sum of the case against me.
ABC is a fairly large legal
firm here in Singapore and they were representing the big telecommunications
companies who have been annoying me for more than a year now.
I won't refer to ABC by name
as I have found them to be a tenacious bunch of fuckers who have the potential
to endeavor to take further action against me simply because they can.
I rate lawyers and the legal
profession at about the same level I rate used car salesmen – which is not very
highly.
In my previous experience with
the legal fraternity I have found them to be much over-valued and not
particularly bright. I think that professionals who bill their clients in
five-minute blocks tend to serve themselves more than they serve justice.
Despite the advice of my best
mate Berty in the US I chose to represent myself in the matter with the
telecommunications company. Berty has had much more experience than me in legal
and court matters and he strongly recommended that I employed counsel to act in
my defense.
I told Berty that it was a
simple and straightforward case of mistaken identity and I felt quite
comfortable in representing myself.
As I have already covered -
the matter involved a debt recovery action for the sum of $1123.37. The
telecommunications company alleged that I owed them this amount for an unpaid
mobile telephone bill.
The debt is not mine.
It never was.
I have never had a mobile
telephone with this particular company and I established very early on in the
piece that the phone and the debt belonged to a man named Charles Peters. The
telecommunications company in fact confirmed this to me quite some time ago but
I somehow got lost in the machine. It eventually ended up with a debt
collection company and then with the ABC lawyers. In the end I simply couldn't
be bothered explaining the situation over and over again to different people so
I thought I would bring it to a head by letting it go to court.
Charles Peters was not in
attendance at the court proceedings. I was hoping to call him as a witness but
I had been unable to locate him. I don't think that the ABC law firm had even
tried to find him.
They thought he was I.
This was the root of the whole
problem.
The proceedings commenced when
I opened the door to Arthur's office. As I have mentioned earlier his office
was tiny and windowless.
Suzy from ABC was already
inside and seated and both she and Arthur stood when I entered and we all shook
hands.
I told them that I hoped that
I hadn't kept them waiting for very long and that I was a little disappointed
that the proceedings were not being heard in a proper court of law with a jury
and wigs and a stenographer.
Arthur looked impassive at my
comments and Suzy looked like she was about to cry.
I could smell her fear.
I asked Arthur whether I
should refer to him as 'Your Honour' and he told me that I should just call him
Arthur.
I told him that if he didn't
mind I would like to call him "Your Honour" anyway. I told him that I
had spent some time preparing some fairly wicked opening and closing statements
in my defense and it seemed only proper in a legal situation. He told me that
he didn't mind and he actually seemed a little chuffed. I could see Suzy's
hands shaking a little as she fumbled with her manila folder.
She could tell that I had
struck a chord with our arbitrator and I felt that I already had her on the
back foot.
The term 'on the back foot'
has it's origins in cricket. It relates to a batsman who is forced to take a
step backwards because the ball that has been bowled to him is so fast and
ferocious it literally forces them into a defensive retreating position.
There was a bit of an awkward
silence at the commencement of proceedings so I took the bull by the horns and
told Arthur I would like to make my opening statement.
He nodded his consent.
Suzy looked terrified and she
continued to fumble with her manila folder.
I made a pretense of looking
at my notes and told Arthur with no small amount of dramatic flair that I had
been a victim of a prolonged attack of harassment by Suzy's client for more
than a year.
I told him that despite my
repeated claims of innocence of the debt I felt that the Telecommunications
company had persisted in a campaign of threats and terror against me. I told
Arthur that I was here today to not only seek justice for myself but to also
send a message to this corporation that little people like me should not and
could not be harangued.
I told Arthur that I felt my
name had been besmirched.
Arthur gave a small chuckle in
retort and he calmly told me that he only had the authority to determine
whether I should pay the debt or not.
He asked Suzy if she had a
copy of the original contract for the mobile phone in question and with
trembling hands she removed a document from her folder and handed it to him.
Arthur adjusted the spectacles
perched on the bridge of his nose and perused the document closely. After a
minute or so he asked me if my name was Charles Peters and I told him it was
not. He then reeled off an eight-digit Identification number and asked me if
that was my Employment Pass number.
I again told him that it was
not.
Arthur then asked me if I
could show him my Employment Pass card.
All foreign workers such as
myself are issued with such a card. They are emblazoned with our photograph on
one side and our right thumbprint on the reverse.
We are given unique identity
numbers.
I pulled my Employment Pass
out of my wallet and handed it over. After only a quick glance Arthur handed
the Pass back and told Suzy that she had the wrong man.
He told me that the case
against me was dismissed and that I was free to go.
As I rose to my feet
triumphantly I asked Arthur whether he could apply punitive damages against the
Telecommunications Company that had wrongfully erred me.
He smilingly told me that he
had no such authority but asked - out of pure interest he said - what amount I
thought would be appropriate.
When I suggested a figure of
one hundred million dollars he laughed out loud.
So did I.
Suzy did not.
Arthur told me that I could
lodge a claim for costs if I had incurred any in this matter.
I told him that my bus fare
from the office was about eighty cents but I hadn't kept the receipt.
Arthur told me that I could
collect a claim form for this expense from the front office if I wanted to.
I told him that it wouldn't be
necessary and that I felt that justice had been served today.
I told Arthur that I thought
that eighty cents seemed like a fair price for justice in this instance.
I shook hands goodbye with
both Arthur and Suzy. Arthur seemed quite pleased with the proceedings and I
certainly was.
Not so poor Suzy.
She just looked miserable.
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